


Despair

by vitya_rabbit



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Despair, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt, Loneliness, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, self reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25752352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vitya_rabbit/pseuds/vitya_rabbit
Summary: Viktor Nikiforov is a very lonely and depressed man taking solace in his diary to express his inner thoughts.(before a certain Japanese man crashes into his life...)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes when it is a tough day you have to write and get it all out onto paper...

_ Dear diary _

_ Why does everything that I have worked so hard to achieve feel like nothing? _

_ More like a millstone around my neck? _

_ Like people just expect me to keep going with the persona that they believe me to be. _

_ Is it easier for them to just see what they want to see? _

_ That if they actually acknowledge the dead look in my eyes and that my smile is fake, then they also have to acknowledge that having it all is also as bad as having nothing? _

_ Each and every day I force myself to get up and go out to do what everyone else expects of me. To be a good example. To earn the money to take care of everyone else, the people relying on me.  _

_ When is it my turn? _

_ When do I get to say no? _

_ Obedience and a guilt of letting people down, of disappointing them are the only reason that I get up most mornings now. _

_ Don’t get me wrong. There are days when life feels great and my eyes sparkle with genuine joy. But those days feel like they are getting further and further apart. _

_ I know I should speak to someone, but I can’t. I wouldn’t know what to say. _

_ All I have ever been taught to do is to keep going. Put the smile on and wave. _

_ That's all people want to see. The smile and the wave. _

_ Do they not know or care that I am dying inside? _

_ When it gets too bad all I want to do is run away to where I can’t be found. _

_ But my brain tells me that what I am feeling is not real. That other people are laughing at me, at my supposed ‘problems’. _

_ I’d like to say that I haven’t considered ending it all. But that would be a lie. I have even considered it today. Maybe just sitting down in front of a train and letting it all go. _

_ That everyone would be better off without me. That I’m a fuck up and and a waste of space. _

_ Even writing this feels like a lie. Like I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Like I have no right to feel like this. Like I am disgusting for not being grateful for what I have. What I have fought so hard for. _

_ Why does it all feel so empty? _

_ Like it has all been a waste of my time and energy. That it has not been worth the hardship, the tears, the nervous breakdown. _

_ That I should have just not bothered and just stayed as I was. Someone who could just slip away and no-one would care. _

_ I don’t think that anyone would care now. They would go ‘oh what a shame’ and move on like I wasn’t even here. _

_ I’d love someone to cuddle, but I’m too much of a mess to even go there. _

_ Who would want me anyway? _

_ Especially when they see that the inside me is full of fear and self doubt. That the confidence is only skin deep. _

_ So instead I put on the smile and go and wave until I physically and mentally cannot do it anymore. _

_ It feels like that day is very close now. _

_ That soon all my emptiness will consume me for good. _

_ I have lost my passion for life. It feels like a never-ending treadmill of pleasing others, but never myself. _

_ Not that I know what I want anymore anyway. _

_ I am empty, there is nothing left. _

_ Vitya _


End file.
